Time for a little honesty

I was looking at the last entry that I’ve written, which dates from 19 july.
It has been long ago since I’ve felt inspiration to write.
To be frank, it’s been awhile since I’ve felt inspiration to do anything at all.
This sounds alarming, and I would like to use this post to be honest.
Because things aren’t faring well for me at the moment.

When I was working on my bachelor thesis I felt stressed and at times I even had the feeling that I was going insane.
I kept going because I thought it all would be better when I had finished the damned thing. I had fun stuff to look forward to: London, Copenhagen, Crete, free time…
But instead, I have a feeling of anxiety inside me which keeps growing stronger. I have that feeling for months now and it doesn’t subside.
What is that feeling, or rather, feelings?
It’s pretty hard to describe, but a few core terms that come to mind quickly are:
loneliness, sadness, a feeling that I never do well enough, loathing for myself… no pretty stuff.
And also, when I’m writing this down I think: what’s this negativity? Don’t feel pity for yourself! And then I feel bad because I cannot think positive, which makes me feel even more negative.
It’s a vicious circle right there.

And I don’t know how to break it. But I know one thing: I’m tired of doing it alone. I’m tired of hiding it. I don’t wanna play the little game so many people play, playing to be happy, busy, that everything is perfect. I feel fucked up right now!

I wonder what it is. When I was 17 I went through a period of depression. It feels different now. Back then, I gave up eating, only wanted to sleep and I hid my feelings for everyone, even for my boyfriend I had back then. But now, I long to see my friends, the people I care about. I still eat, I have never felt stronger physically because of my sports regime.

The problem is purely in my mind. I feel like my negative thoughts are overpowering me, ruling me. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt anything positive about myself that sustained for a long time. I sometimes can think positive about myself, because someone else tells me (it’s always someone else who has to tell me something positive), but that feeling never lasts. I feel a little spark, but that dies out soon.

The mindset that I currently have affects me with everything that I do. When you constantly think the worst of yourself, analyse every tiny little thing around you, how can you live freely? It feels like my thoughts are poisoning me.

It’s so frustrating. Something that I am doing to myself (and that is getting worse) is making me feeling like I am rooted in the spot. I cannot move forward unless I do something about this. But I don’t know what! I see people around me growing and I see myself, standing still or even moving backwards. I’ve felt much stronger than this. At the moment I resent doing anything: work, school, writing, making music. Every little thing that I do can go wrong and that’s when my self-criticism kicks in. That little voice that says: ‘see, you didn’t do well enough, you suck’. I’m paralyzed by myself, I’m afraid of my own mind, my own thoughts.

Now I’m appealing to everyone who reads this. Do you recognise any of it? Been through a period like this? I’m calling for advice, because I’ve reached a dead end and I need to go back and get on the right track again. I cannot and do not want to do it alone. Also, I’m sick of feeling embarrassed about myself for feeling this way. Sure, it isn’t something to be proud of, but I will not hide it.
Yes, I feel bad, down, depressed, whatever name tag you want to put on it.
I need you help; friend, stranger, foe, anyone….

The Mystery of Pain

Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there were
A day when it was not.

It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain

Emily Dickinson, 1890