Moving with your thoughts

I have tried out meditation a couple of times. On paper, it seems great! Be more present, accept your thoughts and feelings, and then direct your thoughts (or attention, focus) back to the here and now whenever you get distracted.

However, anytime I tried to practice, I would feel worse off. Sitting still in a chair is like giving my brain the signal to go haywire. Of course, I'd try to correct it by directing my attention back to the present, only for my brain to go off again in a different direction.

Trying to meditate was therefore an awful experience for me. It made me feel like a failure.

Until I learned something about myself. I'm just terrible at sitting still. When my brain is under stimulated, it goes off making up stimuli on its own.

The trick is therefore to trick my brain. I give it something to do. Excellent candidates: walking, running, cycling. Outside, not on machines in the gym.

Silly that I didn't see it before. I had my best thoughts during walks. Running, although I no longer do it, was also great. I felt most alive and present during runs in stormy weather with lots of wind. Cycling now fills that role. That's why I'm happy with my new e-bike. The long rides I've done so far were just me on my bike, no music or podcast in my ears. I try to be present, and it works because being outside makes me feel alive. It also gives my brain something to do; it's like I give the CPU a task that causes 30% load so the other 70% can focus better.

Knowing this about myself and working with it, instead of forcing myself to learn "proper" meditation techniques, has been the good choice. Fuck dogma's, find out how you can make the principles of something work for you.

That has actually been one of the big lessons for me this year. Instead of molding myself to do x or y the proper way, I try to see the intention (or principles) behind what I'm trying to achieve, and find a way to make it work in a way that feels more natural to me.

I'm easily distracted if you force me to sit still, so.....I don't. Better to move my body than to fail at concentrating.

Ironically, I'm sitting still while writing this. My hand is moving, though. That's why I'm also so extremely happy to have rediscovered writing this year. It's more proof that nothing is wrong with me and that I am capable of focusing on things.

It either has to be interesting enough on its own (reading, writing) or I have to take measures to occupy some brain space. And some things, I can no longer be arsed to do, like watching TV.

And you know what? It's absolutely fine.

I wrote this blog post by hand first! Take a look at the photos.